Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I want to be your penis for a week.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize