apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize