either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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