i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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