Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
