we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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