You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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