I puked a lego.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I am one with the molecules
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
