I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
