i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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