apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
