I'm pants shitting drunk right now
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
