Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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