I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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