Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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