Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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