So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
