I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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