She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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