i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
