I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
