mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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