I can tuck mytits in my pants
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
