dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i've created a new STD.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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