I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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