Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Randomize
