It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
