guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
