Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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