i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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