Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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