Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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