never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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