someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
