when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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