omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
