Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
