Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
