I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
