You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
