if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
