Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
