I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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