It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
