Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
