Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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