So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
