I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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