I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
