he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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