Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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