oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
