I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
