I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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