the condom got lost in my hair
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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