happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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