Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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