Three words: puerto rican gang bang
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
