mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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