Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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